bring on the rain

so i just had a mental breakdown. i was watching a gvsu nursing student do all the patient care that i used to do but am not allowed to do anymore since not passing boards. and then i got a really crappy assignment and i am already tired this being my third night in a row and i started thinking about all the studying i still have to do and how much longer it will be before i take boards which means i do this job for that much longer and i called my dad and fell apart. both my dad and my friend bridget told me that even though it is really easy to notice and think about the crappy things and all the bad things i don't like, i have to try to change my attitude and think about the good things. so here goes:
* i have an awesome apartment that is fully furnished and even though i can't pay the rent now, i have awesome parents who are helping me out so that i wont lose it
* i have a cute furry cat who keeps me company even though she ransacks my house
* i have health insurance, a 401K, PTO time, and a job that keeps me on and doesn't kick me out even though i failed boards twice
* did i mention i have awesome parents!?!?!!!!!! and a pretty cool brother too!!!
* i have some pretty sweet friends
* i have good hair :)
* i have a family with a cottage and a boat that are on an awesome lake that we can go to all summer long
* even though my main job is PCA work, i still am allowed to do some things that normal PCAs can't do and i am technically a nurse extern, not a PCA
* i drive a BMW (my dream car)
* i have a nice cell phone with lots of minutes :)
* oh yeah, and i have tons of people who support me through this crappy time of not passing boards!!
so i guess when i think about it that way, life could be much worse. thanks dad and bridget!

tomorrow's another day, and i am not afraid, so bring on the rain

the things you see

it's amazing the things i see here at the hospital. i had a male patient the other day who was found in a car accident dressed in women's clothing and wearing make-up, fake nails, nail polish, and women's jewelry. there is a patient here tonight with a blood sugar of 1163 (normal blood sugar is 80-120). i have a patient tonight who is confused but not the kind of confused where you just have no clue what is going on and you just smile and laugh and talk to little girls with puppy dogs, this patient is screaming in terror because he thinks we are torturing him and trying to kill him. he thinks we are slipping him pills that will kill him and he thinks that we broke his leg but the reason he is here is because of a hip fracture. it is so sad. then there is the guy who was in a car accident a month ago and he is a quad and he and his wife have three kids, the oldest of which is 8 years old. and get this...the car accident was caused by a teenager who was reading porn while he was driving. everytime i do anything for the guy he mouths thank you thank you thank you. it is heart wrenching. i see patients who have cancer that has metastisized throughout their bodies, patients with necrotizing faciitis (a flesh eating bacteria), leech therapy, patients who are dying but are in denial, patients who are dying whose families are in denial, and patients just dying. i see cases where a patient should be a DNR (do not resucitate) but the families are too scared to lose their wife/husband/mother/father that they make the patient a full code. then there are the patients who thank you for everything you do. the ones who are so respectful and caring even with all the pain that they themselves are in. the patients that bring flowers and chocolate after they leave and send notes to tell you how great you are. there are the patients who make you laugh, the ones who make you cry, the ones the bring smiles to your face and tears to your eyes. if you ever want to work somewhere that wrenches your heart out every singe day for good and for bad...be a nurse.

neuroscience midnight ramblings

So it is 3:30 in the morning right now and I am sitting in my spinny chair in the small corner of 5 South that we call "the pit" but is actually called the Neuroscience Unit (NSU). My eyes are closing and I am trying to motivate myself to study but I am too tired to get much of any studying done. Tonight my thoughts have been filled with missions in Africa. I have been reading my friend Marissa's blog about her time in Tanzania and the things she is seeing there and the people she is helping and it has really intensified my desire to do medical missions in Africa. Tonight I have been searching the internet for mission organizations that I could go through but have not found much. I am really thinking the Peace Corps might be a good starting point and I started filling out the application even. Though, I really do need to get studying so I can pass my boards and then actually have time to start really seriously looking into this stuff. In about a half hour I will be checking blood sugars, getting vital signs, turning patients, and charting, but in the meantime I sit here wondering what my future will look like. Will I ever get to serve in Africa? Will I pass my boards this next time? Will I find the man of my dreams? Will I get married and have kids? Where will I live? What will I be doing 20 years from this moment? (Probably sleeping, but still...) Well anyways friends, I must go now but I will post again soon.